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How To Build Trust In Your Second Marriage

Josh Groce | Nov 29, 2021

Being in a second marriage, trust does not come naturally or easily. Kristy and I both have had rough first marriages. They were full of verbal abuse, rage, lying, deceitfulness, un-faithfulness, and much more.

When Kristy and I got together there was a natural wall that came with it. From both of us. We automatically second guessed every action and motive from each other. We did this to protect ourselves from duplicating what happened before. 

Even though we didn't have a good reason to not trust each other, it was a natural protection. 

This almost destroyed us. Marriage needs trust. It needs trust because to nurture a healthy loving relationship, marriage needs vulnerability. 

In second (or third and beyond) marriages this is one the hardest hurdles to overcome. 

Here are a few ways that helped us overcome the trust issues and catapult us into a truly loving and trusting marriage:

1. Tell Each Other Everything. The one thing that was the hardest was to be willing to be open and honest about everything. It’s easy to find reasons why you don’t “need” to tell your spouse something. I tell you, tell them anyway! Be an open book about everything. 

Even when my ex-wife would call about my kids, I would tell Kristy everything that was said. Why? Because I didn’t want my ex-wife saying something later that would cause doubt in Kristy’s mind. Believe me ex’s are very good at doing that on purpose.

2. Share All Your Passwords. Now this is a tough one, but hear me out. When Kristy and I got together I was 34 years old. I have earned the right to have my own privacy, right? The answer to that is yes with a huge... but! 

Our goal in marriage is to do whatever it takes to make it grow in a healthy way. The last thing I want is to have another failed marriage. Did you know that almost 70% of all second marriages fail?! Holy. Smokes.

Our goal should not be pride. Of course you have the right, but I ask you to flip that over and ask “what am I hiding?” Why can’t your spouse have all your passwords? Email. Phone. Computer. 

God says that we are one flesh. That doesn’t mean act as one until it comes to privacy. 

Look, I’m not saying you can’t have private bathroom time. I am saying that if you want real trust, you need to be as transparent as possible. That means even with your passwords.

3. Give It Time. This seems almost redundant to hear this. People are always saying, “give it time!” It’s true. Know that this is going to take some major amounts of nurturing to make it work. 

Hurt people, hurt people. We are all scorned from our previous relationships. The only way to change the outcome of this marriage is to be willing to do what you were not willing to do in the past. 

Prepare for bumps and roadblocks. It happens. Trust that God brought you together. Pray for each other and with each other.

If we are willing to do what others are not, we will have what others do not. Give it time. 

We love you. God loves you...

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